I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
