This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
