You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
