I think I died a long time ago.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
