At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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