Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The air was thick with penises
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
