He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
