Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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