I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
