how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
