I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
