Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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