Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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