Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
