she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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