I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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