girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
