Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
