Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
