Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize