my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
