Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
