Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
