you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
