Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
