I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
