You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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