I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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