we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
