so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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