I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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