I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
