the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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