if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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