I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Small penises have feelings too.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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