Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
