Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
