I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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