I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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