awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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