he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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