As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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