and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize