I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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