If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
