I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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