I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
