I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize