Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize