I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
