I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
