I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
