Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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