one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
