You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
