i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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