I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
