that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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