Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
