Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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