Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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